Angered and blinded

Angered and blinded

(Mike Wheatley)

Angered and blinded by my own inner rage,

Feeling like a beast, locked up in a cage.

In a mental hospital apparently “I went INSANE!”

Swinging and punching on the walls, not feeling the pain,

Something else it feels is controlling my brain.

I’ve completely blacked out... gone totally insane,

PTSD, anxiety and depression is what’s bringing on this pain.

I begin to look at my arm the array of different veins,

To myself I’m thinking “This is going to be easy, just a little bit of pain.”

So with my fingernail I start to scratch and dig, trying to reach any vein,

 “If I have to suffer from this PTSD, these people are going to suffer with me.”

I’m thinking this to myself as I’m looking the nurses in their eyes,

I scratch, I dig trying to get inside, and veins I’m hoping to reach eventually I’ll die.

I’ve completely blacked out and tears are flooding my eyes,

This is the time I wish to finally say my goodbyes.

But…the meds that that were given to me finally take effect,

Stopping me from committing, this bodily defect.

Just a PTSD moment

Just a PTSD moment

(Mike Wheatley)

(Special thanks to Boone Cutler for the inspiration)

Every day is just a moment in time.

No matter the situation…it's just a PTSD moment in your life.

Depression consumes your mind today and you felt like ending your life,

Suicide seems the greatest option, then while thinking how it will impact your children’s life,

You put down the knife.

BUT…Today is another day; it's just a PTSD moment in your life.

Feeling hostile wanting to go on a murderous rampage,

Taking away lives from those who smile, then you realize.

 BUT…Today is another day; it's just a PTSD moment in your life.

Waking up from a nightmare in a cold shivering sweat, dreaming of the bloody warfare.

The day feels ruined, now you can't focus right, anyone steps into your path you wish to fight,

BUT…Today is another day; it's just a PTSD moment in your life.

In a crowded store with loud noises and sounds,

Looking at your watch anxiously waiting as time counts down.

You’re beginning to sweat and heart begins to pound,

You walked in the store with a smile that is now a frown.

BUT…Today is another day; it's just a PTSD moment in your life.

Driving in your car, mind is in a haze,

You’re approaching an overpass having a flashback reminiscing of the days,

Terrorist had demonic tricky ways.

Without warning crossing other lanes,

Other drivers flipping the bird, looking at you like you’re the one insane.

BUT…Today is another day; it's just a PTSD moment in your life.

Even just walking the city streets, feeling eyes are peering on you,

Cover and concealment is the instinct that’s been instilled into you.

To a place you try to hide hoping get these eyes off of you,

This is your mind making you feel that way, it’s true.

BUT…Today is another day; it's just a PTSD moment in your life.

...IZED

...IZED

(Mike Wheatley)

I've been traumatized, desensitized, hospitalized and institutionalized.

When are people gonna realize I've seen chaos with these eyes.

Sitting here being institutionalized for all the shit that has traumatized my eternal state of mind.

One day I will find some peace of mind, and deal with my regrets.

But right now, it's a big challenge to cope with my regrets.

I'll take a chance and make a bet with hopes that one day I'll forget.

The shit I've been through, the shit I've seen, wishing my life were just a bad dream.

It tears at my spirit and rips up its being; I just want to feel once more

Like a human FUCKING BEING!

I have no heart, I have no feeling, my heart is separating from my physical being.

The life I've seen, life I've lived, has made my live depressing.

I close my eyes; I can see the things that have slipped away from me.

So, here I lay just one more day as time just seems to fade away.

I came to this place to find some peace and overcome some grief.

But as I await my eternal fate, I will see one day that life is great and hopefully overcome this mental state.

Once my time here is finally past, I just hope this treatment last.

I don't want to live anymore...in my ugly past

16 August 2011

Today...Hurt.
That is about it. Heart was heavy, soul is dreary.
Thinking a lot of my lost friend Wilkerson. I can't seem to let go of the loss.

Smile?

Smile?
(Mike Wheatley)
When was the last time I shared a true smile?
I don't even know, but I know it's been a while.
I've got this dark cloud that's hovering over my head,
It is depression and sometimes it makes me wish I were dead.
I take handfuls of pills to drive this pain away...I think.
“This is the end, it's not worth it”

So with a blade I cut and I watch the blood flow into the sink.
Look into the mirror and watch as my soul escapes from my eyes.
Hoping that this...THIS IS the day that I die.
Then I am found by someone who dearly loves me...my wife
Taken to a hospital in every hope just to save my life.
I am brought back, my wounds...sewn closed,
Now all my deep secrets have been exposed.
Depression, anxiety and PTSD, I have been diagnosed;
Normal is what I am expected to be like this I suppose.
No one understands my mind, not a single person knows,
what is in my mind...what comes, what goes.
Haunted by the deaths of the soldiers once that I did know,
Images of their faces showing in my like a picture show.

 Warm smiles that will only be seen again, on cold dry paper.
On the pamphlets handed out at the memorials, reminding us of their loving character.
Heads are bowed, tears flowing; taps are played, soldiers thinking "this isn't fair".
So when was the last time, a true smile from me was shared?
When laugher from these fallen brothers were felt and shared.
The pain of loss isn't something that one should ever feel;
it is a type of pain that is completely unreal.
This is why my life I wanted ended, I thought was certainly a good deal,
because at least then the pain...I wouldn't have to feel.
But...this pain, I still feel and it’s something I have to deal.
Taking my own life isn't something that is to be an option,
Loss...is life, but is not the end of life, however deep the depression.
Please my friends take this as a lesson.
Keep your heads up and continue to stay strong, this is not the end.
This is the beginning of something bright something new.
There are people in your life who truly deeply love you.

May 22nd 2005 (Can't let go)

May 22nd 2005 (Can't let go)

(Mike Wheatley)
I said before that I can finally look back and say goodbye,
But the more I think about you...I know that was a lie.
I close my eyes; I see a picture of you flash in my mind.

Instantly brings back horrible memories, and time seems to rewind.
Back to that day when you were in so much pain,
screaming in agony… all the blood loss was insane.
You are of the strongest men I've known, whose friendship I’ve gained,
the image of you hurt, mangled, bleeding and suffering will always be stuck in my brain.
I can't say goodbye to you Wil!
And I don't think I ever will.
How can you say goodbye to someone you didn't want to die?
Let alone...the last words you heard from me...were lies.
I live with the regret of telling you, you were going to go home and things were going to be okay.
I didn't think you'd end up going home in a pine wood box, shipped off in an airplane.
That feeling… that feeling continues to deliver me pain.
I love and miss you brother, but we will meet again.
I am sorry I could not keep you here to be with us all,
Why? Why did it have to be YOU? You that had to fall?
It wasn't fair for GOD, to take you from this earth,
You were sent from above as an angel, from the day of your birth.
I cannot say goodbye Wil...I cannot close this chapter.
I don't know when I will live "happily ever after"
So...until then, until then Wil.
I will see you later.
Brother…

15 August 2011

Ok, Today is starting off to be a good day (so far) no one has pissed me off yet. I have have my meds increased to help with my depression. I was told to write more "happier" poetry, but...it's hard to when all you have on your mind is death. I feel like I am in a prison and there is no escaping. hopefully one day, ONE day, I will escape and live a life without death recing through my mind. I'm going to post more poetry today, so look for it! Thanks for reading!
Mike.

14 August 2011

Today, is a start of a good day, a little emotional, not beyond uncontrollable though. My son is ALWAYS craving attention ant it is hard to give him the attention he deserves when your mind is in a different place. Those suffering from PTSD and Depression can understand that. I am not saying that I do not LOVE my children...I am saying, It is hard to devote 100% attention to them at all times. in other news, I have a TON of poetry in the works, so stay tuned for that. I have a tendency to start a poem, stop it and then start another one. I have picked up making music or METAL lyrics. You may not understand the content in the lyrics, but if you really just read them, you will kind of understand them. If you know me on a personal level...YOU WILL DEFIANTLY understand them! Last night I created a video. The video I created is a memorial of fallen soldiers and such. The song in the video is my poem "Simple and Plain" I had someone make it into a song while I was in inpatient treatment for PTSD. (http://youtu.be/_yA2TpDGrfk) this is the like for the video, It is very emotional (to me) and is dedicated to SGT Charled Thomas Wilkerson. Thanks all for being loyal followers.
Mike

UNCONTROLLED RAGE

This is another Song idea I had and actually crated with help of a friend!! thank you all for following my blog!!

UNCONTROLLED RAGE

(Mike Wheatley)

ANGER IS VENOM, FOREVER…FLOWING IN MY VEINS.

FISTS CLINCHED; KNUCKLES WHITE, FACES…DESTROYED!

SO CALLED INNOCENCE, My…VICTIM.

UNCONTROLLED RAGE, UNKNOWN REASONS.

     UNCONTROLLED RAGE X’s 4

TEETH OF NAILS, SKIN LIKE STEEL, ITCHING FOR THE KILL!

INNERBEAST UNLEASHED, CREATING HAVOC OF MASS.

DECIMATE WEAK OF HEART, RIPPING THE WEAK APART!

HUMAN SOUL, SPIRIT…MANKIND FAILS!

UNCONTROLLED RAGE, UNKNOWN REASONS.

UNCONTROLLED RAGE X’s 2

ANGER IS VENOM, FOREVER …FLOWING IN MY VEINS.

FISTS CLINCHED; KNUCKLES WHITE, FACES…DESTROYED.

SO CALLED INNOCENT…MY VICTIM.

UNCONTROLLED RAGE!

UNCONTROLLED RAGE

MANKIND FAILS

MAN-KIND… FAIIIILSSSS……

DECIMATE THE WEAK

DECIMATE THE WEAK

DECIMATE…THE WEAK …OOOF…HHEEEAAAAARRRTTTT!!!!

WTF

Uh, no one wants to comment on my freaking poems? lol JK guys.. JK

Quote from a Good friend of mine!!

"I'm gonna roller blade on the back of baby Jesus wearing a leopard print, crotchless thong, with a red, white and blue cock ring, just to kill another Taliban!!! Fuck it, free speech...pass the vicodin"- Bobby F. Special Forces U.S. Army

He is a fellow PTSD sufferer if you cannot tell by his quote! HAHAHA!! He is a very good friend of mine, its funny, I am an Air defense guy, and this dude is SF, we both came from 2 different worlds did completely different missions and different deployments in the Army, but PTSD is PTSD and that...That has brought us together as brothers, brothers both fighting the PTSD enemy!! 

UNEXPLAINED

(Mike Wheatley)

Song lyric idea I had that I plan on putting down on a track METAL \m/

UNEXPLAINED!

DEFINITION OF THE UNKNOWN!

LURKING IN THE DARKNESS, EYES GLOWING RED

GLOWING RED

UNEXPLAINED!

WHAT IS THE UNKNOWN?

HUMAN SUFFERING, ILLNESESS CAUSING MASS CHAOS!

CHAOS

UNEXPLAINED!

WELCOME TO THE UNKNOWN!

THINGS IN LIFE NEVER TO BE EXPLAINED!

CHAOS---GREED---PAIN---SUFFERING...

UNEXPLAINED!

DEFINITION OF THE UNKNOWN!

LURKING IN THE DARKNESS, EYES GLOWING RED

GLOWING RED

UNEXPLAINED!

NAME OF A DEMON!

NAME OF A DEMON!

12 August 2011

Well, today is starting out to be a good day, went and saw my shrink discussed my PTSD and my depression a little further more. I was told by the Neuropsychologist, that I should be referred to another inpatient PTSD treatment facility because the severity of my PTSD and depression (If you do not know I am diagnosed w/ severe chronic PTSD, Major depressive disorder, Anxiety, Panic disorder w/ Agoraphobia and referential ideation <(Wikipedia that shit lol).ANYWAYS...I do NOT want my shoe laces, belt and freedoms taken away! The SAME freedoms that I fought for to be taken away, because I have some "ISSUES"? Maybe "others" have issues and I'm FINE!! Well...yesterday I got my dog (Flex) back from the vet from getting neutered. I am happy to have the little son of a bit** home, he is such a lively shit!! lmao! Good pup! He is an English Bulldog if you are wondering. Well, if anything changes (my mood) I will update, and let you all know, THANK YOU...for following my blog!! I Love you guys! HAVE A GOOD DAY!!
Mike

11 August 2011

Well, today was good...better than yesterday BY FAR!! Still a little rough, but not bad. I was having some pretty horrible PTSD moments yesterday. Then what I don't understand...why do they have some sneaky son of a gun at Best Buy standing out of sight saying " Welcome To Best Buy" as soon as you walk in the door? OPh, and is it me, or is that person LOUD as hell!? lol Anyways More Poetry to come, be patient..
Mike.

09 August 2011

Today's post is not poetry, today was a great day!! I had a GREAT end to a HORRIBLE day! I am having a good day without any PTSD flareup's. not anxiety, no BS like that. Yesterday however, WAS horrible. I had nightmares all night, then had to go in for neuropschyc (however you spell that) testing for TBI. Just a very emotional day packed with depression. Today was better though! Thank you all for following my blog!!
Mike.

Once Was

Once was

(Mike Wheatley)

I once was a happy person, I used to be me.

 That was before I was diagnosed with severe chronic PTSD.

 I would have rather been killed than to live with what I’ve seen,

 I have tried EVERYTHING in my power…to wipe my memory clean!

 I never want to remember the horrible things that I’ve seen.

I wish I could take my eyes out and throw them away,

Because it is what I have seen that has made me this way;

I want all the visions, flashbacks and nightmares to go away.

 I tried to take my life to not live in pain.

 My boots, my clothes and hands have been blood stained,

The image of his pain will forever be burnt into my brain;

I would have done anything to have taken away his pain!

To see a brother injured, suffering in pain is enough to drive the strongest man,

Completely…insane.

I tried all in MY power to help ease his pain,

Telling him one last time, he’ll see his family again.

Hours tic by as if it were eternity,

Informed of his final departure…to the heavens sky.

I fall to my knees, a tear flows from my eye,

Then I just have to ask the lord

Why?

Hero

Hero

 (Mike Wheatley)

A time will come when he will have NO choice but to take life from a man.

 Enemy’s battled in a distant, foreign land.

Doing his job…proudly serving Uncle Sam!

 Lives will be taken, with strong, bare hands.

He had to take a life, he had to react.

Pats are slapped on his back as he’s told…“You are the MAN!”

 In his mind…”its murder, I… just killed…a man”

Regardless of the fact...he feels he committed a murderous act.

“How can I be proud? He was probably a Dad!”

 He was an enemy; he was one of many bad.

He had to do what was best, to save his fellow guys.

It was between one and the other…which one dies,

 He watched the soul escape from the enemy’s eyes.

Told he’s a hero for actions that he did.

He has guilt for enemy’s blood that spilt,

But trust, strength and honor with his brothers is what he built.

THERE IS A LIGHT

THERE IS A LIGHT

(Mike Wheatley)

The Army life has got the best of me,

I joined the army to be all I can be,

Suffering from PTSD, I’m not told…it’s a possibility.

That, soldiers memorials I’ll be attending,

Death…is all around me.

Now I'm sitting here wondering why, why me?

Why does it got to be me suffering with PTSD?

But it’s not only ME that’s receiving the suffering,

It’s been my family that’s been affected by this travesty.

I have returned from war, but my mind is still battling,

Combating disturbing images, of soldiers dying.

I brought the war back, now my family’s fighting just to stay sane,

Because I lost control, I went insane.

My feelings, My emotions, the thoughts in My brain,

Things no matter how hard, I just can’t explain.

But the Doc’s, Shrinks and Counselors they all say,

 “You’re going be normal again, just wait and see"

This is what all these “professionals” keep on telling me.

But they don’t know what I see in my dreams,

Terrorist in masks, killing AMERICANS at all cost and means.

Cars filled with bombs and explosives, the explosion…DEVISTATING!

Not to mention the reoccurring ones,

 Terrorists running around with flame throwing guns.

Watching AMERICANS scream and hide and run,

Then a nuke detonates, brighter than the sun.

Helpless, can’t fight back, I don’t have my gun!

So to the air I fly into ash, dreams I keep having from the past.

A note to my friends, and brothers in arms…

This is no surprise, not to be alarmed.

PTSD Is a war that we continue to fight, my fellow comrades,

At the end of the tunnel, THERE IS A LIGHT!

May 22nd 2005

May 22nd 2005
(Mike Wheatley)

May 22nd of 2005, earlier in the day you were still alive. 
We were running missions, having laughs that whole night.
Getting our trucks stuck, MAN what a good time.
Laughing and joking, poking fun at each other, you and I were like teenage brothers.
Your mom jokes were said between both of us, laughter rang out as we laughed at the joke.
You and I were best friends, we shared our trust.
I never thought I’d see you hurt, I remember the blood gush.
You were scared for your life, I don’t blame you one bit.
You were laying there on the floor bleeding, injured after you were hit.
I will never understand your pain, not for one bit.
But you held your own the whole time you were hurt.
You have always been a strong person, since the day of your birth.
I can remember the humor that we both shared that day, 
as you continued to bleed out, and started to slip away. 
You look as if you found some peace, just waiting the time for your release.
I didn’t want you to leave; your time was too soon.
But as you began to slip away, somewhere a flower did bloom.
Because of your great sacrifice, God granted me a continued life.
It should have been me that day; he would have taken my life, 
something made you trade my spot; don’t think for a second that I have forgot.
Your life was taken because we trade spots.
I lived for six years blaming myself for you loss, I couldn’t stop the bleeding and the blood loss.
I couldn’t apply pressure to the injured spot, I did what I could, the best treatment you got.
I remember your last words and I have never forgot,
what you said to me that day hit in a soft spot.
My heart felt like it was being torn from my chest, the Army and your family just lost one of its best.
You were taken from a war zone and laid to rest.
I never got to say goodbye, and the last thing I said to you was a lie.
I told you everything was going to be okay, that was the only thing I could say,
I never thought there would be a day, when your brothers in arms would have to say goodbye.
Goodbye my friend it was an honor to have known you. 
I know that our friendship was true, I am sorry that I couldn’t have saved you.
You will always live in the back of my mind; it took a long time, but some peace I did find.
You will be missed every second of every day, I love you bro I think of you every day.
I think I’ve finally came to a place where I can finally look back and say 
Goodbye.

Damaged Soul

Damaged Soul

(Mike Wheatley)

My soul is…damaged, my spirit is…torn.

At times I wish that I were never born...
With this pain in my soul, and pain in my spirit.
I’m steady wondering…when god’s hands going to heal it?
The pain I feel is a pain so real

So painful, it hurts to feel.
If I were dead, then pain…I wouldn't feel.

My life ended, in a casket…sealed,
buried in the depths of the earth, almost sounds like a deal.
Then this pain…I wouldn't ever have to feel.

It’s unfortunate that it took my decease

But after many years of sorrow and many years of grief

Buried in the ground but…

 I have finally found my peace.

Anxiety Pt. 4

ANXIETY pt. 4

 (Mike Wheatley)

 Today you showed up in a whole different way,

But you were only here for a few minutes I would say.

Then you came with a whole different approach,

A secondary attack, it’s like you hired an evil coach.

This isn’t fair; I can't stop the attacks,

I know when they are coming, because the hair tingles up my back.

Just when I thought I was gaining control, you came up with a different goal.

You set up an ambush that I would surely fall,

You made a quick attack, and then I thought it was over,

But out of left field like a flying ball, my emotions they flowed over.

Tears started running and grief filled my heart,

I started to think about all the soldiers whose lives torn apart.

Families at morn, because their families now torn.

Now I've got to deal with the pain that resides,

Every time one of my fellow soldiers die,

These soldiers were friends, Sons, Husbands and Dads.

For you to throw this in my face is just plain sad.

 I tried to save his life, I gave everything I had.

Just for his soul to escape his gift that god gave.

Now he has to rest forever, in a six foot deep grave.

For you to fake an attack, and make me feel proud

Was an evil act by a menacing being.

Just when I thought I had you all figured out,

You changed up your attack and really flipped me out.

This I can see will be an evolving fight,

Because just when I feel I’m doing things right,

You change your routine, just out of SPITE.

Bringing up the past form the battles I've fought,

Reminding me of fellow soldiers we've lost,

Is a thick red line that you shouldn't have crossed.

This was a technical battle that you started off,

So for now I will tuck my tail and cower from the battle just lost.

Keep in your mind that it was just a battle lost,

And we are in a war that has battles of plenty.

You have not seen the last of me my evil foe,

The war continues on, but surely you'll bow,

I plan to fight harder, than you ever though before.